It's so easy to forget that amid tantrums, sensory issues, and mounting anxiety (OCD), my boys want the same things other boys want. They want to play with peers at the park (some of the time), they want play dates, they want to be good at sports. They don't have age-appropriate autonomy or coordination yet but they are working on it. WINK has finally started to call me "Mom" when other kids are around. SMILE has learned to control his more violent tantrums when he hears my "teacher voice." WINK has learned to swing on his tummy when he wants to go on the park swings rather than struggle to climb into the seat by himself or- YIKES- ask me or a friend for help. SMILE is trying really hard to be okay with taking turns. So, they're getting there and socially failing less and less.
True, for every success, there has been a few cringe worthy stumbles, but they are still young, right? Maybe. It's still tempting to keep them home all the time, to just wipe out the need to subject them to social situations, though. Even if they don't see the stares they illicit from other people, I do. Even if they can't interpret what it means when kids move away from them during circle time, I can. And I want to protect them.
That's why yesterday was so important. I wanted to plan a little get together with some of WINK's school friends. I ran through several options: Roller skating? WINK won't leave the rug to go on the rink and the noise is too much for SMILE; Movie? Not enough interaction. Park? Too many opportunities for WINK to isolate himself; Do it at the house? Ummm....SMILE's house, SMILE's rules and, besides, WINK still plays with stuffed animals. Utterly discouraged and about to forget about the idea, I thought of bowling. Bowling? It will keep their attention. It's social without being overly so. Perfect. I asked WINK to choose three friends to invite. He chose five, but WHATEVER. I sent out five emails to the boys' families and waited. One of the two main boys answered right away. SCORE! But then...my in box remained empty. As the days went by, WINK continually asked about one boy in particular, the other main boy . He urged me to call the boy's parents. I said "no" because that wouldn't get him any cool points. Then, the day before we were set to go, the impossible happened. WINK. Called. A. FRIEND.
The day of the "event," WINK and I had lunch with the one firm reply we got (a very good friend) before heading to the bowling...what?...lanes. I was excited and a bit relieved that this would be a small get together. Still, I watched the clock to see if this boy WINK had called would show up. When 1:00 came and went, I let WINK and SMILE start a game while WINK's friend and sister played in the next lane. Then...it happened. WINK's other friend showed up! He was there. I was so excited I had to stop myself from hugging his father.
I prompted WINK subtly when his friends weren't looking. I told him when to cheer, give a high five, etc. Except for SMILE's full-force tantrum when the game ended and he hadn't gotten a spare or strike, it was a great day.
But it was made even better when I went up to the shoe-rental counter to ask a question and an older woman stopped me when she saw my "Autism Awareness" bracelet.
"My son is 43 and he has autism," she said.
I pointed to my boys and told her their diagnoses.
"I wanted to stop you and tell you," she continued, "that my son is 43, drives a car, has his own apartment, and works a 40 hour a week job. So...there's a lot of hope."
I thanked her, of course, and teared up a bit. "I do worry," I started.
"Of course you do."
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